o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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