There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
