Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
