Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
