I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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