we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
