Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
