Ambien. No doubt about it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
