i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
