just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
