Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
