I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
