I didn't shave. On purpose
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
