I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
