i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
