I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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