WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
