cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
