I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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