so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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