My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
