that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
