I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
