i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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