I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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