At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
