So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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