Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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