I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
