It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How does one acquire holy water?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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