cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
