So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Come see our sink grown plant.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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