How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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