It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
