Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
