I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
