whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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