Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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