ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
