I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
