i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
