I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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