just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
