As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
