Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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