I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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