i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
