i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
