very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
