so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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